Did we Finesse 20?!?!?

Hello, my Bunnies,

If you're reading this then your girl just turned TWENTY-ONE 🤯 

For the longest time, I was trying to figure out the marker that 21 came with. In the US I know that's when people can legally drink but I'm from Nigerian and was in the UK so that was 18 for me. 20 was the end of being considered a teen so what are you doing 21? But I recently found out that in Nigeria you could only get a Certificate of Occupancy (legal title to land) at 21, younger people have to have a guardian. So, guys, I can 'own' land (if you're a legal practitioner in Nigeria you'll understand why own is in quotation marks). TBH, I have been telling everyone that I want landed property so HINT HINT.

Usually, I like my birthdays to be very reflective of how far I've come, lessons I've learned and whatnot. Last year as you all might remember, I said I wanted a chill year (insert LOL here). I am going to be very honest with this reflection today. Twenty felt like a mess and was not easy at all. I think I had the most breakdowns at 20; mentally, emotionally and physically. The age started out well with my mum being around for the first birthday in four years, I usually have my birthday during school terms, by the time I moved to the UK I didn't have any birthdays with my family around. So it was really nice having her there.

I had spent the Christmas holiday doing coursework and an exam with no sleep and hella stressed. So fast forward a few weeks when the results came out and I was shattered. One of my coursework, the one I had poured everything I had, came back with an unimpressive result. This was my final year and every single grade mattered. This kick-started the first of may breakdowns. At this point too, my social life was not doing great and not everyone could understand that my plate was too full and I was overwhelmed and needed space to just regroup. Seeing as I was dealing with academics, health and extracurricular commitments, my timetable was full.

I made peace with the grade, I figured I needed to up my game on the next ones cause I still had a tonne waiting for me. So I got feedback from teachers, got advice on what to do in the next ones, committed it all to God and started my research and work early. Using the advice from the first essay, I, again, poured and gave my everything to the next coursework and again subpar result with equally subpar feedback was given back. I'm like Jesus do I have to give up my kidney. Whilst on the second wave of coursework, I find myself in the emergency room (through everything my health wasn't top notch but I'm being hit left and right in final year...WOW). Ended up having incisions made in my neck (fantastic sturvs). But you know life is not gonna stand still for me so we move. I'm popping pain meds given by my doctors and putting my concerns and worries in my back pocket because I didn't have time nor strength to be distracted. Onto the next coursework again (I had four waves of coursework and each wave consisted of two coursework). This one came with better results in one of them, the other was a headache but we move guys. Final wave was so close to exams so results came out with final exam grades so I just turned that one in and returned to revising for the exam modules I had.

Mans trying to revise and keep stress levels down at the same time (extreme sport). Anyhoo, one week plus to exams and I can't move my right hand (my dominant hand...like Nigerians would say 'why not kuku kill me'). I had just been told by Disability that new arrangements have been for my examinations, I could type instead of write and my hand can't move and I am in pain. So revising is not even my biggest worry anymore, I couldn't move and I couldn't sleep. My friends literally had to come to my place to spoonfeed me our work materials. Now deferring exams seemed like the most logical thing to do. However, your girl doesn't want to be set back a year. How you may be wondering. Well if I deferred, then exams would be in August (and I have no assurance that my health would have fixed up) and then Graduation would have been December. That would mean missing the Bar 1 batch that resumed in July (there's only one batch in Nigeria) and having to wait till 2019 to start law school. A big no in my book. So I pushed through, I remember telling God "You know I have no strength and my trust is wholly in you. I won't be the person writing that exam because my physical body can barely stay up but I have you and that's all I need". I wrote my two papers and now it was time to wait.

When the results came out, I was so happy because I was graduating with no setback. Graduation was assured. The overall qualification wasn't what I would have wanted but I had been through hell and YOUR GIRL IS GRADUATING. Funny enough my two exam papers had good grades, can you see God. But something came and put a hefty amount of sand, in fact, concrete, inside my garri. The results for the final wave of coursework came out and what was showing in the student portal and the result portal was not the same. EXCUSE ME BUT WHAT IS GOING ON? So I am contacting every and anybody I could but no one is replying me even my personal tutor (who is your first point of contact in uni). I haven't told my parents or friends about results cause I am not even sure if it is mine or not. Me that was content before, I am now panicking and worried and graduation is how many weeks away. Plis dears. I had to eventually message the Dean of my faculty. They 'corrected' the error and said degree classification was still the same thing. But the lack of urgency they had and the dismissive attitude toward their own failings sent me to my next bout of crying. I woke up crying and slept crying. Like how am I sure this is the only mistake and I can't even appeal it because, one, I have limited time in the country before law school and two I didn't fail so I have no standing for appealing. Sha I eventually had to tell my parents (especially my dad) and they were very understanding. My father literally said 'wipe your tears, have your bath and eat. You're graduating abi? You will go to law school and show them. We learn from this but focus on the next challenge'.

So I came home and went to law school. To the glory of God, Bar 1 went well. TBH when I think of my degree I feel anger but I sideline it because I can't be dwelling on the past. Another thing that's made 20 so stressful definitely has to be my health (there was always something new to cause pain and stress over. I was seeing my doctors more frequently than I would have liked). Plus the stress of law school, Nigeria and its climate aren't making matters easy but we what...WE MOVE. 20 wasn't all drabby, I graduated, my brother graduated, my dad was conferred with a fellowship, my cousin got married. Even though I was honestly broken hearted over everything, it would be ungrateful to not recognise the hand of God in everything. I was not the best of Jesus babies cause I was very unhappy, I was not in a good place and it felt like I was just going through the tunnel with no sight of the light at the end. I didn't have my chill 20 and I am not where I'd like to be. However, I will be highly cliche and hopeful that I am where I need to be and nothing is a waste in the grand scheme of things.

Did I #Finesse20? It might not feel like it but Benny Kanyip you definitely handled 20 and all its hurdles with impressive delicacy and skill. You're still alive and kicking and you are in the next phase of your life. The road was tough and painful but by the grace of God, we're here.

So here's is recommitting things to God, every day, every minute, every second and that is why this is going to be #Hallelujah21 because no matter what happens that is what we shall be saying from this day forth.

You guys should go on my Instagram and see the montage I made documenting #Finesse20. I am immensely grateful to my family and friends for making #Finesse20, when I watch the montage I can't help but feel so blessed for the people I have in my life. Like I have to give a special shoutout to my uni friends for making uni amazing; my GIFT family, Helen, Safiya, Debby, Kechi, Dami, Simi, Ana, Simran and I especially have to thank Sandra and Maria (these were the people spoonfeeding me my revision when I couldn't move) and Maria was doing hospital runs with me. Sorry, I can't mention everyone but I am immensely grateful for the people I met in uni. I am also so grateful for Law School friends; new and old ones who I reconnected with. These are honestly the people that make you see that God is real and that he loves you. God bless you all, I love you.

Happy Birthday to me. Cheers to a Hallelujah filled 21.

Lots of love from BANNK xxx.

Living the Creative 'Dream"

Hello, Bunnies,

It's been a while since I wrote something that wasn't (like) poetry. The reason being that I haven't had anything I wanted to talk about or that I could talk about (yet). However, God has blessed me with some writing inspiration today.

For those who don't know or who are new, I am a creative spirit. Bringing things to reality from my imagination makes me so happy, gives me joy and is one of my purposes. Here are the creative things I do

• I write 
• I sing
• I am a photographer
• I act
• I dabble in fashion (putting together outfits, drawing outfits for my tailor to make). This I do for myself and mum only.

These things are not easy to do, at all. Without the understanding that these are God-given talents that exist outside of people's acceptance, I'd probably have packed up and given up a long time ago. That understanding is what has kept me practising and training my talents because God knows I do not get adequate support and encouragement to keep me going. Shoutout to the day 1s who read, share and check up on me, I love you. But on the grander scale, real supporters are few. If I calculate based on the "family and friends" I have, the real supporters are not even 10% (not those who lie and can't even humour me with a retweet). I'm not here to call people out, I don't have that energy. Hence why the foundation is not on human beings. The people you expect to be supporting you are MIA, the blogs and books are not pulling in the numbers and you're wondering why you even bother. You feel like you will never build that fan base or get that recognition. Are you really deceiving yourself with that 'Creative' title?

At this point in the creative journey, you have to take a step back (you don't want to do this because it's forward ever and backwards never but you have to). Take a step back an ask yourself, is there a greater recognition and acceptance of you than that of God and yourself. Your creative work is an extension of yourself and if it is something that took a while for you to get confident in and you feel vulnerable. You're putting an intimate part of you out to the world saying 'hello, see me', 'I want to relate to you', 'can you relate to me', 'am I interesting?', 'am I as good as I think?', 'am I worth it?'. That is scary and so exposing. Unless you can understand that the answers to the above questions have always been a yes from God and should be a yes from you before anyone else then your creative journey will be insecure and unpleasant. You'll always think the worth of your work is dependent on people and that can break you. Not everyone will like what you do and that is ok, support will not come from where you expect it and that is ok because the day you're supposed to blow you will find your audience and your additional support. It will be so ridiculous that people will be coming out of the woodworks recommending you, sharing your work and they will even be strangers. 

“You become a writer by writing...somewhere out there is a reader for your book” - Margaret Atwood

So just keep training and improving that talent. People hardly ever see the behind the scenes but they definitely appreciate quality finished work. If you don't train how will you be ready for your day in the spotlight. Creatives bloom when they are supported and encouraged (no man is an island) but you need to be self-providing for a while before people see the vision that you saw from the very beginning. My dear creative don't be discouraged, don't give up and don't stop creating. Regardless of when or if these additional supporters come, you can always count on two people telling you well done; God and you.

"Sometimes you just gotta crown yourself and be your own hype man. Know you're a Queen first. Others can be late to your coronation but you shouldn't be." - Benny (freaking) Kanyip [Queen in training] 👸🏾

Love from BANNK xxx.

I AM NOT WIFE MATERIAL

Contrary to popular opinion

I was not born to be a wife.

That is not the only standard of my life.

You are not my saviour

And marriage is not my heaven.

My body,

My heart,

My soul,

My abilities,

Are not for your consumption.

I wasn’t made for your pleasure,

I was made for His pleasure.

I am the Bride of he who died

So that I may rise.

Rise to life.

Rise to wholeness.

Rise to purpose.

To make me yours 

You need to be His first.

You need to understand my existence, 

And yours,

In the grander scale of His plans.

So no, I am not wife material,

At least not yours,

I am already a Bride with full knowledge of her Bridegroom.

If it be His will, then you may be a partner, 

With equal rights here and in heaven,

With equal rights to his love,

And His purpose. 

I am many faces of womanhood and humanity 

So I am not just wife material.

Happy International Women's Day xxx.

Signs and wonders

Hello from your tired Bunny,

In writing this blog I had to consult my Bible to ensure that I have my facts right. This topic is so dear to my heart and I know that if I don't get what's on my mind out then it will consume me inside.

When the Bible talks about signs and wonders, it is associated with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They are the ones who equip us with the ability to perform signs and wonders for the glorification of God. They are the ones who also perform signs and wonders as an expression of who they are. I hope you guys are still with me and understand the point I am trying to establish.

i.e. SIGNS AND WONDERS ARE FOR GOD TO PERFORM BY HIMSELF OR THROUGH US.


Ok with that being established then, please tell me, children of God, why one uncle out of nowhere will be sending me so-called signs as a way to tell me he likes me😒 🙃.
ARE YOU A BILLBOARD?!?

Why can't you open your mouth and talk? Is so hard to just use words and actually communicate effectively? Really telling me that I should have seen the signs. Then you get angry that I did not see the signs 🙄

See I am not the type of person who easily sees signs and understands then. Furthermore, I hate to assume or infer things on somebody else's behalf. Even when I am working for a group, I won't just assume a random responsibility without express allocation of that job to me. Like Nigerians like to say "I will not carry somebody's headache".

That's how I'll be deceiving myself that a guy likes me and he will ask me if he ever said anything to me and then put my heart inside the dustbin...ermmm it a no from me. If as a guy, you like and you haven't said anything to me then that is a personal problem for you.

If we start out as friends or we know each other, I will not assume anything because you treat me nicer than the others, or you have a pet name for me or that you spend more time with me or talking to me. If you are feeling like you have invested yourself and your time (or even money) that again is your personal problem. You can carry whatever investment and start going home with it. Afterall, if you don't have the boldness to tell me how you feel, then I am not interested and you were obviously ready for the investment to go to waste.

I sat down for some years thinking a friend of mine liked me because he called me baby and seemed to make extra efforts when it came to my matter. Only for me to discover that 'Baby' is a community name 🤣. I crashed back to reality so quickly it was like they poured ice water on me. Beware of the 'Baby', 'Darling', 'Babe' guys and especially the ones that always send this emoji '😍 ' anyhow (these are community properties, it is not for you alone).

The worst one, the thing I absolutely hate is the "I used to like you" or "I used to have a crush on you" guys. Okkkkk has that paid my rent, tuition or given me a first class??? No! Then keep quiet. What do want me to do with the information? Should I beg you to like me again? Should I call my whole village to help me beg for your like/ crush back? Like, I am really not understanding. Or maybe I should weep that I missed out on you? (TBH most times I want to cry tears of joy that I dodged a bullet because if you cannot simply communicate the fact that you like me then there will be no communication in the relationship). Please leave me alone if you want to exhibit this kind of silliness.

Guy and girls, if you like somebody and you are serious, please just tell them.  Stop playing games, human beings are not playstations. God has given us the spirit of boldness and not of fear; use it! Or you'll miss out on amazing people that are supposed to be in your life. This boldness should also exist when you're making friends or creating networks. If you never take the first step then you'd always wonder what could have been and that is the worst feeling ever.

I hope we all had a wonderful weekend. I pray you all have a fulfilled week ahead even you 'signs and wonders' people. Don't forget to subscribe and comment. Do you agree with what I've said? Do you have your own 'sign and wonders' experience? Please share, I am here to listen.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

A minority's thoughts

Hello from your Happy Chubby Bunny,

When I explain to people where I come from, I tell them that I am a minority within a minority. Usually, this doesn't faze me but when you put into consideration the massive political power play that exists within geo-political zones, I am at a disadvantage because no one tends to look at my side of the state until you make yourself known. That sounds like what should be the norm right? Until you are known for your works you shouldn't be given appointments but the truth is that you could be a nobody but if you know the right people and come from the desired hometown your appointment is served on a silver platter.

Of course, this makes this bunny unhappy but with me growing up and more and more people reminding me about marriage some things have been put into perspective.

If you are Nigerian, you'll probably have heard "No, don't marry that tribe they are this and that" this is very subjective depending on where you are from but if you are (or almost) of 'marrying age' the (more or less unwanted) whispers will soon be ringing in your ears.

As someone who is a minority in a minority, most people do not know where I come from (in fact some of the names of villages near mine have been thought of as fictional names LOL) so when it comes to carrying the sins or blessing of our culture or ancestors, no one knows ours. Which to certain extents works in our favour because you are judged solely on the content of your character and that of your immediate family rather than that of your whole ancestry. (YEY!!! for the unknown minority).

However, you are carrying the ambassadorial torch for your people, with a more globalised world your behaviour outside or online is going to inform whatever notion forms about your people in the mind of others. Because unfortunately humans (no matter how advanced they are) have failed to judge an individual individually and would rather tie them back to family and cultural influence (I am not refuting the contributions that these have but sometimes it is not the overshadowing influence).

So yes Bunny is happy that no one will hold any cultural or ancestral prejudices over me BUT Bunny is not so ecstatic knowing that she is global ambassador of her people and whatever she does is going to reflect on them. (But I'd like to think that I have carried the torch well so far and I pray God directs me and guides me in carrying it even better).

Hope you are having a great week. Goodnight.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

This is a segment of Benny's Diaries.