RIP 2019, the evil you have done is enough.

Hello, Bunnies,

So I am going to take you on a trip of my 2019, by the title you can probably see that I am not exactly the cheerleader of this year. I was gonna skip on this post but a dear friend encouraged me to write it and you know how I said I use a 'productive' thing to procrastinate another, wellllllll here we are at the tail end of 2019 and a sis is still the damn same person, mad o.

So twenty-freaking-nineteen, wow! In a nutshell, I hated the whole year, God forgive me but I went through this year thinking if I died then that could be the best mercy God shows me because *I'm lost for words*. I remember in April, during the remembrance of my late friend, I just kept thinking how flipping jealous I am of her, to be dead and not having to live the life I’m living this 2019 was all I could focus on.

First of all, Christmas of 2018 was so sucky I did not exactly have the best transition into the New Year. We had gotten a short break from law school which we had just resumed in November and being the overzealous person that I was (re: am), I was trying to be on top of my notes and studying game. So I was barely sleeping, resting or having fun, my life was consumed with textbooks and old materials I got from friends. No offence, but that was a waste of insanity because trust everything about Nigeria to not make sense or be organised. So that build-up of stress and mental torture found a way to physically manifest in what would be one of the many breakdowns that my health saw in this fantastic year of 2019.

I had been diagnosed with a medical condition known as Hidradenitis Supprativa aka HS (google it if you like but I will not be held responsible for whatever feelings come out of that. I may or may not write or film about what living with it has been like. I don't know, no assurances). Anyhoo, so one of the triggers is stress and here I am in Nigeria, the stress capital of the world and going to law school (LOL). My friends now know that stress is not my friend even when I am smiling and keeping an ‘unpanicked’ demeanour, the rest of my body will reveal my stress through flare outs linked to my medical condition (so fun).

To make matters worse I was in law school being stressed for reasons that I could not justify because guess what guys, I had realised in my first year of uni that I did not want to practice law, in fact, I wanted to be as far away from the profession as possible (2019 did not let me do this. And whilst some of you believe my kidney is tied to this profession, I will fight tooth and nail till I’m free). I stuck it through uni because I did not want to quit, a part of me hoped I'd love the profession again but I didn't. So going to law school seemed very redundant for my new ambitions but I honestly wasn't too clear on the new profession I wanted, I didn't want my degree to be incomplete without qualifying professionally somehow and most importantly I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

So a week after resuming back to law school in January, I was bedridden and in a hellish amount of pain because my body had reached a breaking point and was pushing back. At times like these, my doctors begin to pump me with painkillers and antibiotics. There isn't a cure for the condition, the antibiotics, sometimes... most times, and painkillers barely make a difference (painkillers would sometimes numb pain but not properly, cause you can still feel a tenderness). I spend most of my life living in unfathomable pain, pain so intense I sometimes feel delirious, it means I can't sleep, depending on where the flare out is, limbs have to be placed out of commission. It is a chronic condition and can only be managed. And you see flare outs can last anything from a week to a year which means you have open painful lesions on your body (and sometimes they are draining fluids). I remember the week of my birthday when a lesion just started bleeding in class, the handkerchief that I was using to try and stop the bleeding was drenched in blood and I had to run to the car to escape a mortifying situation 🤣.

Between January and July, I'd have more minor flare outs that required less fanfare but the next memorable crisis was June/July. I was undergoing my externship at a law office and in the middle of a gathering, I felt a wetness and just wished a hole would swallow me whole. I had been in pain for weeks and just managing myself and going through the motions hoping the externship would end before any proper crisis. I hate explaining my condition to people especially Nigerians seeing as they are some of the least emotionally intelligent people I know. Trust them not to prove me wrong, some people physically jumped from me thinking I was contagious (oh fools) and the questions came, the one million and one recommendations on what I should stop doing, starting doing and the new prayer houses to try, like I haven’t tried everything already. Owing to home training galore all I did was smile and say thank you.

One thing about my condition is that I could be in agony and no one would notice, I take painkillers (very frequently) and just live with/through the pain, my mum tends to know something is up when I start keeping to myself more than usual. I could be limping through the office from pain and very few people would notice, I have a love and hate relationship with this, I love that no questions would be asked but on the other hand, when I am not able to come to work because I have reached my limit, people think I am faking or exaggerating, they don't take me seriously. In the UK, I was registered with a disability at uni and with a people that regard welfare, I wouldn't have to say too much for people to be understanding. That is the main thing I lack here, no one truly understands. Some people try and I give them props but with it not being their lived reality they easily and frequently lose the plot.

I have spoken a lot about my health and why is that key to how sucky my 2019 was. Well, you see I was diagnosed in 2016 and my doctors and I in the UK had made tremendous strides in managing my condition.  It just took being back in Nigeria for less than half a year for me to feel like I'm back at zero, actually, it is worse than it has ever been. Everything in Nigeria regarding healthcare is either not accessible/available or it is ridiculously expensive so my routine has been thrown off fantastically. What is available here, whilst being the price of an arm and a kidney, is substandard. While I would use a drug at 75mg and get the required results in the UK, 100mg in Nigeria is not even making a quarter of the difference. So, the year 2019 and Nigeria has seen to the trashing of the small progress I made in regard to my health (both physical and mental). The extent of it is that whilst writing my bar finals I was on antibiotics and clinging to every dose of my painkillers so the pain and stress didn't drive me up a wall, the week of my call I was on IV (drip) antibiotics (because my body has become quite resistant and the only ones I am still sensitive to are in IV form) and at about 12am Christmas 2019 I had to get a shot to deal with the intense pain from yet another flare out. I proper hate this year guys. My family members that have witnessed my crises have said to just go back abroad and just reside there, at least access to good medical care is more assured.

I am not even going to get into my mental breakdowns (as seen from above I wished to die so 🤷🏾‍♀️). Every insecurity (weight, body, being ill, feeling inadequate and undesirable etc.) that was buried deep down or non-factor in my past life came to live with me side by side, day by day. Some were unearthed by people (some people I even rated) but experience did most of the work. Law school made me feel dumb, I felt so undeserving of all my past victories because here I was at the climax and it was kicking my ass. So yeah that was also hell manifested on earth. For the most part, it felt like I couldn't talk to anyone because no one was actually hearing me or understanding me. I lost my mind and then just started floating, still am tbh. Everything just became 'if I die I die' but I was going to put in the necessary effort to know I tried and effort that won't stress me. This I did because the little voice of 'Benny past' kept saying not to let law school beat me, actually, it said not to let anything bring me back to law school and thank God for that win (but again after hell my grade... you know what let me keep quiet and just be grateful for the win). I have not in any way or form dealt with my mental health or insecurities appropriately so I am still in a very vulnerable place, I am faking so much for now but that only works for a while without proper help.

Additionally, this was the year, sons of Adam also tried a sis and my dear sistas and sisters, men are mad and really not worth shit. I kept asking my friend if idiot or clown was written on my head because I don't know what or who gave these men the green light to try me. I also briefly wore my clown outfit this year and never again, please. Men only like wickedness and that's all I have available for them since they think I am Bobo the fool ✌🏾.

Guys, I don't have the strength to even properly lay out how my relationship with God has gone to the birds but a cumulation of being in Nigeria and all the hell of this year has made it so hard not to carry resentment towards God. A lot of my walk this year has been hella performative so I don't get asked questions but I know the truth and so does he. With each health crisis, and there has been a lot, I honestly look to the heavens and think is this the love, are these your plans because this is not what I want. So there's that.

I have written a lot, a lot more than I have cumulatively done this year and there are still spheres of my life I have not touched. But those are not as glaring as what I have mentioned above. Most of the things I haven't spoken about can be dealt with simply if you like yourself don't come back to Nigeria or japa if you're still here. Lack of infrastructure and a working system and aspects of society and culture that stifles you would kill your spirit with such severity and intensity you'd be left shellshocked.

The 'always see the silver lining' me wants to tell you how at the end of the day there was 'the sun after the rain' and 'darkness turned into morning'. Fair enough. Jehovah overdo in the ember months for my family from call to bars to promotions to birthdays and anniversaries. Cute sturvs. But this ranting me that is quite fed up is saying I could have well been abroad sending the necessary congratulatory messages without my health suffering for it 😊

I have been through it this 2019 and I can't wait for this year to be just a topic of trauma for my therapist and not my actual reality. So 2020, I am begging you with everything in me, using my call to bar certificate that came about as a result of blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids, please don't disgrace me. I have suffered sufficient suffer, abeg. I want good health, peace, prosperity, credit alerts especially in forex form, I want clear skin (because that's another thing 2019 took from me), snatched waist, flat stomock for myself, my family and friends. 2020 I HOPE YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION BECAUSE ONE THING MUST NOT MISS FROM THIS LIST, IN FACT, ADD SWEET POSITIVE THINGS like friends with sense, car, any son of Adam with clown tendencies being blind to my person etc.


I pray for a lovely 2020 for you all too. I also pray your 2019 was not as shit as mine.

Well, Bunnies, Happy New Years! Here's to hoping I become a consistent blogger in 2020, AMEN.

PS. If you're an HS survivor I'd LOVE to hear from you.


Love,
BANNK xxx.