Update on my life.

Hello, Bunnies,

I am back like the boys (if you don't get this you're too young and please cherish your youth). Obviously as is my usual behaviour, I was supposed to update before now but after becoming recently unemployed (it's a good thing don't worry), I didn't realise how tired I was and I somehow needed to get two years worth of stress off my shoulders. So I have been sleeping and chilling my life away.

Apparently, when I gave my review of 2019, 2020 was snapping her fingers like a wicked Nollywood stepmother waiting to destroy your destiny. What a year it has been, am I right? Since finishing university,  have just been hoping into journeys for milestones with zero breaks. I recently had to document what I have done for the past two years and guys, in a nutshell, I have not been resting but now that I have a small break before I shackle myself to another journey, I am making the most of it. I am indulging my Id to the fullest because this life na one.

I spent most of the year undergoing the mandatory service year in Nigeria, it involved me working in an assigned office which is usually in your field of study so I have been a practising Barrister and Solicitor this past year. Dearly beloved, I have seen things, learnt things too but I have seen and been through things. Thank God that is a stage of my life that I am done with because like everything Nigeria, when you have to interact with her systems, institutions and, to a large extent, people you lose your sanity. You either lose it quickly and step into the shoes of the average Nigerian or it is a slow and antagonising process where you see yourself losing parts of yourself and forcefully have to hold on or reclaim them. I was the latter and I have lost parts of my sanity and I am still looking for them.

So I have successfully lost my hair, clear skin and my sanity.

One of the fascinating things I started this year was K-Dramas and guys, I fell hard into the Korean Entertainment universe because I am also being pulled by K-Pop. It literally started with me being curious in Netflix search area, I already watch Indian, Turkish, Pakistani movies and series but even those don't have such a stronghold on me like K-dramas. Even my Instagram algorithm has changed and is giving me more fancams and Korean stars on my explore page (tbh on a bad day they uplift me so much, the obsession is deep) and my twitter is a semi-stan account.

Started K-Dramas on the 28th of April, 2020 and these are the shows I have watched so far (actually completed series as I have started some and haven't finished them) 

1. Marriage Contract
2. Cinderella and the Four Knights
3. My Secret Romance
4. My contracted husband Mr Oh
5. Oh my Venus*
6. You are My Destiny
7. What's Wrong with Secretary Kim
8. Because this is My First Life*
9. Crash Landing on You
10. Oh My Ghost
11. Itaewon Class
12. Birth of a Beauty
13. Cheese in the Trap
14. My Holo Love
15. Lucky Romance
16. One More Happy Ending
17. Guardian: The Lonely and Great God
18. Love Alarm
19. Strong Girl Bong-Soon
20. Wok of Love
21. My ID is Gangnam Beauty
22. Love and Marriage
23. Her Private Life
24. Hyde, Jekyll, Me
25. The Bride of Habaek
26. Hotel del Luna
27. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo
28. My Secret Terrius

*Dramas I have watched twice.

Feel free to comment on new shows or which of the above dramas you really loved. Anyhoo, that most of my update for you guys, I am honestly trying to update more and be more consistent but looking at my new obsessions they might become very K-drama centred but that not a problem because a new goal is to break into the Korean market 😌. 

(I have no new images to add to the post so I included an avi creation I did of my ideal look and here is the link to create yours if you want to https://picrew.me/image_maker/380116).

Love,
BANNK xxx.

MOURNING...

Have you ever mourned, the loss,

Of self? 

I walk down my memories. 

Seeing what was once a familiar person,

I try to match the eyes, skin, expressions.  

Back in reality, the mirror,

I’m met with sad, dim eyes. 

Cracked,

Where there were once sparks. 

Skin, dull, rough. 

You can see exhaustion. 

Constantly. 

Smiles that seem forced,

A laugh with no heart or soul,

An act of being ok. 

I can tell. 

My past self feels outside of current me. 

An existence of long ago. 

How did she hold onto

Peace, hope, joy and laughter?

I’ve forgotten. 

Doesn’t seem like I ever have...held on. 

It’s hard to make efforts now. 

This self feels like a shell,

Hallow and empty 

But heavily weighted.  

Breaking my back, lowering my head. 

My heart is heavy,

Yearning,

Questioning what went wrong, 

When her other self passed. 

Did she pass?

Is she lost?

Can we be back?

I try to reach for her. 

She’s a great distance away. 

I want to close the gaps

But at every turn, the path back changes.  

I find no joy in doing the things she did. 

I try, I fail. 

That’s our bridge. 

It’s fading. Losing our connection. 

Yes, I am mourning, the loss of myself. 

RIP 2019, the evil you have done is enough.

Hello, Bunnies,

So I am going to take you on a trip of my 2019, by the title you can probably see that I am not exactly the cheerleader of this year. I was gonna skip on this post but a dear friend encouraged me to write it and you know how I said I use a 'productive' thing to procrastinate another, wellllllll here we are at the tail end of 2019 and a sis is still the damn same person, mad o.

So twenty-freaking-nineteen, wow! In a nutshell, I hated the whole year, God forgive me but I went through this year thinking if I died then that could be the best mercy God shows me because *I'm lost for words*. I remember in April, during the remembrance of my late friend, I just kept thinking how flipping jealous I am of her, to be dead and not having to live the life I’m living this 2019 was all I could focus on.

First of all, Christmas of 2018 was so sucky I did not exactly have the best transition into the New Year. We had gotten a short break from law school which we had just resumed in November and being the overzealous person that I was (re: am), I was trying to be on top of my notes and studying game. So I was barely sleeping, resting or having fun, my life was consumed with textbooks and old materials I got from friends. No offence, but that was a waste of insanity because trust everything about Nigeria to not make sense or be organised. So that build-up of stress and mental torture found a way to physically manifest in what would be one of the many breakdowns that my health saw in this fantastic year of 2019.

I had been diagnosed with a medical condition known as Hidradenitis Supprativa aka HS (google it if you like but I will not be held responsible for whatever feelings come out of that. I may or may not write or film about what living with it has been like. I don't know, no assurances). Anyhoo, so one of the triggers is stress and here I am in Nigeria, the stress capital of the world and going to law school (LOL). My friends now know that stress is not my friend even when I am smiling and keeping an ‘unpanicked’ demeanour, the rest of my body will reveal my stress through flare outs linked to my medical condition (so fun).

To make matters worse I was in law school being stressed for reasons that I could not justify because guess what guys, I had realised in my first year of uni that I did not want to practice law, in fact, I wanted to be as far away from the profession as possible (2019 did not let me do this. And whilst some of you believe my kidney is tied to this profession, I will fight tooth and nail till I’m free). I stuck it through uni because I did not want to quit, a part of me hoped I'd love the profession again but I didn't. So going to law school seemed very redundant for my new ambitions but I honestly wasn't too clear on the new profession I wanted, I didn't want my degree to be incomplete without qualifying professionally somehow and most importantly I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

So a week after resuming back to law school in January, I was bedridden and in a hellish amount of pain because my body had reached a breaking point and was pushing back. At times like these, my doctors begin to pump me with painkillers and antibiotics. There isn't a cure for the condition, the antibiotics, sometimes... most times, and painkillers barely make a difference (painkillers would sometimes numb pain but not properly, cause you can still feel a tenderness). I spend most of my life living in unfathomable pain, pain so intense I sometimes feel delirious, it means I can't sleep, depending on where the flare out is, limbs have to be placed out of commission. It is a chronic condition and can only be managed. And you see flare outs can last anything from a week to a year which means you have open painful lesions on your body (and sometimes they are draining fluids). I remember the week of my birthday when a lesion just started bleeding in class, the handkerchief that I was using to try and stop the bleeding was drenched in blood and I had to run to the car to escape a mortifying situation 🤣.

Between January and July, I'd have more minor flare outs that required less fanfare but the next memorable crisis was June/July. I was undergoing my externship at a law office and in the middle of a gathering, I felt a wetness and just wished a hole would swallow me whole. I had been in pain for weeks and just managing myself and going through the motions hoping the externship would end before any proper crisis. I hate explaining my condition to people especially Nigerians seeing as they are some of the least emotionally intelligent people I know. Trust them not to prove me wrong, some people physically jumped from me thinking I was contagious (oh fools) and the questions came, the one million and one recommendations on what I should stop doing, starting doing and the new prayer houses to try, like I haven’t tried everything already. Owing to home training galore all I did was smile and say thank you.

One thing about my condition is that I could be in agony and no one would notice, I take painkillers (very frequently) and just live with/through the pain, my mum tends to know something is up when I start keeping to myself more than usual. I could be limping through the office from pain and very few people would notice, I have a love and hate relationship with this, I love that no questions would be asked but on the other hand, when I am not able to come to work because I have reached my limit, people think I am faking or exaggerating, they don't take me seriously. In the UK, I was registered with a disability at uni and with a people that regard welfare, I wouldn't have to say too much for people to be understanding. That is the main thing I lack here, no one truly understands. Some people try and I give them props but with it not being their lived reality they easily and frequently lose the plot.

I have spoken a lot about my health and why is that key to how sucky my 2019 was. Well, you see I was diagnosed in 2016 and my doctors and I in the UK had made tremendous strides in managing my condition.  It just took being back in Nigeria for less than half a year for me to feel like I'm back at zero, actually, it is worse than it has ever been. Everything in Nigeria regarding healthcare is either not accessible/available or it is ridiculously expensive so my routine has been thrown off fantastically. What is available here, whilst being the price of an arm and a kidney, is substandard. While I would use a drug at 75mg and get the required results in the UK, 100mg in Nigeria is not even making a quarter of the difference. So, the year 2019 and Nigeria has seen to the trashing of the small progress I made in regard to my health (both physical and mental). The extent of it is that whilst writing my bar finals I was on antibiotics and clinging to every dose of my painkillers so the pain and stress didn't drive me up a wall, the week of my call I was on IV (drip) antibiotics (because my body has become quite resistant and the only ones I am still sensitive to are in IV form) and at about 12am Christmas 2019 I had to get a shot to deal with the intense pain from yet another flare out. I proper hate this year guys. My family members that have witnessed my crises have said to just go back abroad and just reside there, at least access to good medical care is more assured.

I am not even going to get into my mental breakdowns (as seen from above I wished to die so 🤷🏾‍♀️). Every insecurity (weight, body, being ill, feeling inadequate and undesirable etc.) that was buried deep down or non-factor in my past life came to live with me side by side, day by day. Some were unearthed by people (some people I even rated) but experience did most of the work. Law school made me feel dumb, I felt so undeserving of all my past victories because here I was at the climax and it was kicking my ass. So yeah that was also hell manifested on earth. For the most part, it felt like I couldn't talk to anyone because no one was actually hearing me or understanding me. I lost my mind and then just started floating, still am tbh. Everything just became 'if I die I die' but I was going to put in the necessary effort to know I tried and effort that won't stress me. This I did because the little voice of 'Benny past' kept saying not to let law school beat me, actually, it said not to let anything bring me back to law school and thank God for that win (but again after hell my grade... you know what let me keep quiet and just be grateful for the win). I have not in any way or form dealt with my mental health or insecurities appropriately so I am still in a very vulnerable place, I am faking so much for now but that only works for a while without proper help.

Additionally, this was the year, sons of Adam also tried a sis and my dear sistas and sisters, men are mad and really not worth shit. I kept asking my friend if idiot or clown was written on my head because I don't know what or who gave these men the green light to try me. I also briefly wore my clown outfit this year and never again, please. Men only like wickedness and that's all I have available for them since they think I am Bobo the fool ✌🏾.

Guys, I don't have the strength to even properly lay out how my relationship with God has gone to the birds but a cumulation of being in Nigeria and all the hell of this year has made it so hard not to carry resentment towards God. A lot of my walk this year has been hella performative so I don't get asked questions but I know the truth and so does he. With each health crisis, and there has been a lot, I honestly look to the heavens and think is this the love, are these your plans because this is not what I want. So there's that.

I have written a lot, a lot more than I have cumulatively done this year and there are still spheres of my life I have not touched. But those are not as glaring as what I have mentioned above. Most of the things I haven't spoken about can be dealt with simply if you like yourself don't come back to Nigeria or japa if you're still here. Lack of infrastructure and a working system and aspects of society and culture that stifles you would kill your spirit with such severity and intensity you'd be left shellshocked.

The 'always see the silver lining' me wants to tell you how at the end of the day there was 'the sun after the rain' and 'darkness turned into morning'. Fair enough. Jehovah overdo in the ember months for my family from call to bars to promotions to birthdays and anniversaries. Cute sturvs. But this ranting me that is quite fed up is saying I could have well been abroad sending the necessary congratulatory messages without my health suffering for it 😊

I have been through it this 2019 and I can't wait for this year to be just a topic of trauma for my therapist and not my actual reality. So 2020, I am begging you with everything in me, using my call to bar certificate that came about as a result of blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids, please don't disgrace me. I have suffered sufficient suffer, abeg. I want good health, peace, prosperity, credit alerts especially in forex form, I want clear skin (because that's another thing 2019 took from me), snatched waist, flat stomock for myself, my family and friends. 2020 I HOPE YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION BECAUSE ONE THING MUST NOT MISS FROM THIS LIST, IN FACT, ADD SWEET POSITIVE THINGS like friends with sense, car, any son of Adam with clown tendencies being blind to my person etc.


I pray for a lovely 2020 for you all too. I also pray your 2019 was not as shit as mine.

Well, Bunnies, Happy New Years! Here's to hoping I become a consistent blogger in 2020, AMEN.

PS. If you're an HS survivor I'd LOVE to hear from you.


Love,
BANNK xxx.

Rejection

Hello, Bunnies,

Let's talk about Rejection!

Something that is going to happen if you decide to shoot your shot at life. Is it painful? Yes? Can you avoid it? Yes. But in doing so you miss out on the possible shots that would lead to life-altering outcomes. 

You’re gonna get rejected in some form and to some degree in life. A fact. It could be by a romantic interest, a school, a job or even family. You could be rejected in totality or partially (eg. when people say not now to a request of yours). Let’s be honest even God has ‘rejected’ some of the requests you’ve made of him because it’s wasn’t for you or it wasn’t the time to grant said request. 

We have to normalise rejection. We need to stop looking at it as if the person loses value solely by virtue of rejection. Rejection should teach you. Not make you afraid to experience the world.  

What I have learnt from my rejections:

• I need to build up a new skillset 
• I need to keep learning and developing on what I already have
• My skills are not suited here so look elsewhere 
• I need to be patient
• Just keep pushing until something hits
• I am still Benny ‘mother flipping’ Kanyip

I’m trying to keep the lens of positivity, even in the midst of rejection, very active. It’s so easy to feel less than or lacking. Because when you’re rejected all you hear is I don’t want you and that’s a hard pill to swallow. 

My rejection story

In a nutshell, a shot my shot and the shot didn't shot and I didn't die. (🤣)
To be honest, I did develop a nice friendship with my shotee and he was really helpful in school.
[Dear shotee is you're reading this, HI!]
________________________________________________________________________________

On the flip side, we need to balance out the belief that someone has lost you means they now have some form of lack in their life. Honey that’s a lie. A coping mechanism. Someone can reject you and go on to get someone/ something valuable too. I know we say this to help swallow the bitter pill but an additional bitter pill is that not everyone’s world comes crashing down because you’re not in it. 

Please, the fact that you’ve been rejected doesn’t justify you acting out. You can’t go bad-mouthing or hurting the person that rejected you. The solution/ reaction to rejection is moving the flip on. People reserve the right to choose who they want in their life and that choice should be respected. 

Romantically, if you’re rejected because the other party doesn’t find you rich enough or pretty enough or whatever enough then move on and find someone who thinks you’re enough. Let the other party find their own enough too. You never want to be with someone who thinks you’re not enough so don’t think this is the opportunity to wear them down or show them up, just leave them alone. Some people will reject you because they are not in a place for a relationship, whatever reason you're given (lies or truth) just keep living your life. Remember someone could flat out not want you and that is ok (for them and for you)

Career-wise, do find out why you were rejected because it presents an opportunity for self-development, which is never a bad idea. If you are being rejected for a discriminatory reason do take the appropriate actions because another person like you should not have to suffer bigotry. 

Rejection is ok, rejection is an inevitable part of living.

Obviously,  I didn't delve too deeply into it on my rejection story but you know the main gist. What are your rejection tales?

I pray you're able to take rejection in stride and keep shooting all necessary shots.

Love BANNK xxx.

My Hair and Me

“Any woman with kinky textured hair - can wear it, love it and manage it. She only needs the right tools, inspiration and motivation.”
― Monica Millner

Hello Bunnies,

How are we?

So in recent times (the last three years) I've getting hella compliments on my hair. I'd literally be walking and people will stop me to tell me how nice my hair is, how they love my hair etc. I am not here to brag - my hair is really lovely though but even I didn't know this 5 years ago.

My hair hasn't always been great, in fact, my hair was a prayer point until four years ago. I am going to give you a timeline to understand what I and talking about

Age 0 - 1: I was born with nice hair, a full head of hair but like most black mums of our generation, my mum had it relaxed as soon as I was old enough so it was easier to manage (even in Africa there was subpar knowledge on how to take care of our own unprocessed hair, thank you colonisers).

Age 1 - 9: My hair got relaxed every month and even then it would get 'due' (need relaxing again) really quickly but I was young, I could still do my coloured braids and weave so I wasn't really bothered.

Age 10: I hated making my hair actually, my scalp is so sensitive so even my coloured braids and weaves were a b**** to make. And I went to a primary school that gave hairstyles to do every week (kuku peel my scalp). Well at this time I was very fed up with hair braiding and my mum was fed up with me so she said 'If you don't make your hair we're going to cut it' and immediately said 'let's do it'. So I cut my hair. I was even going to a secondary school where you cut your hair in September so I didn't care.

Age 10 - 11: I spent two terms in my first secondary school so my hair was getting cut every school holiday.

Still 11: I moved to new school in the final term of JSS 1/ Year 7 so my mum and I figured since this school isn't finicky about hairstyles let's start trying to grow your hair. Since I had a little growth from second term and the holiday we relaxed my hair so it looks longer. Let's just say LOL to the state of my hair in that period.

Age 12 - 15: This whole period is a big LOL for the state of my hair and the climax of my hair insecurities. So this period was a combination of relaxing, cutting, attempted braids which was all an epic fail. If my hair annoyed me that day, like I couldn't put a comb through it, I'd just go cut it (my mum was tired of me). My hair was so unhealthy and damaged and was not growing. And certain people in my school would make side comments about my hair that used to get to me. On one occasion I remember  making cornrows and one girl in my boarding house made a comment and I took it out that very day. My school let you do every and anything to your hair but you could not use any form of extensions (weaves or braids). So with me hating my hair in braid, I'd mostly attempt a ponytail when the hair was long enough, in my final year though I had a teacher that was constantly on my case about my hair and I could do anything with it because the only way it would stay in braids without unravelling is if I used extensions that are not allowed. SO I ended up getting a Rihanna cut (short at the back and long in from).

Age 16: I went to A-levels, now I could use extensions for braids and weaves which is what I did. I was also still relaxing my hair in my first year of A-levels. But during this particular holiday when I was home, I remember that I relaxed my hair and by the next week when I went to was my hair and get a weave done (at a different salon), the woman who was washing the hair was complaining that my hair was due for another relaxing. LOL madam I just relaxed this hair last week (she was in shock). Sha that is when I decided that the relaxer life was not for me, tbh I've always had issues with relaxers, I couldn't use adult relaxers cause they burnt me like hell and the children's one (which still burnt me) was not doing much for my hair. So I began transitioning.

Age 17 - 19: I was actually enjoying being natural. But my hair wasn't doing so great in the beginning of my journey. Part of reason being that I was learning on the job and my routine and products were not set down. But my friends that I met in uni started giving me tips, introducing me to better products and helping me make and manage my hair so I stared to see some progress. Then I also decided to go back to my roots and tweaked the routine my friends helped me establish. I started using a mixture of oils I made (the key ingredients being palm kernel oil) and my hair game changed. Palm Kernel oil is a family secret for greatness (of the skin and hair). We use it for the babies in our family but stop when they get older. So I figure if this was so effective why not give it a try and man it is good to go back to your roots.

Age 19: My hair was so luscious and full and the compliments were not even sought after any more cause they were everywhere. But I was also I bit frustrated with it cause I know what she could be and she wasn't at her full potential. So I did a big chop. My friends and mum wanted to chew me, everyone kept saying how it won't grown again and I'll learn my lesson (hahaha). But I assured them (with faith cause even I was apprehensive) that the hair will come back. I knew my hair now, I had my products and routine down. I actually know what I am doing with her now.

Age 20 - present: I cut my hair November 2017 by April 2018 I could no longer pull on my wig without braiding my hair down. WHAT!!! See God. By November 2018, my hair was back to the length it was when I cut it the year before (and that had originally taken me two years to grow). Now I have people stopping me to compliment my hair, people asking me for tips and product recommendations. Never knew this could be me. I because of the journey I know it's not because of genetics (that gave my a full head of hair and a mad good but confused curl pattern that I still love) but that wasn't the only player in achieving a healthy head of hair.

So that has been the journey with my hair. I hope you enjoyed it.

Love BANNK xxx.

I AM NOT WIFE MATERIAL

Contrary to popular opinion

I was not born to be a wife.

That is not the only standard of my life.

You are not my saviour

And marriage is not my heaven.

My body,

My heart,

My soul,

My abilities,

Are not for your consumption.

I wasn’t made for your pleasure,

I was made for His pleasure.

I am the Bride of he who died

So that I may rise.

Rise to life.

Rise to wholeness.

Rise to purpose.

To make me yours 

You need to be His first.

You need to understand my existence, 

And yours,

In the grander scale of His plans.

So no, I am not wife material,

At least not yours,

I am already a Bride with full knowledge of her Bridegroom.

If it be His will, then you may be a partner, 

With equal rights here and in heaven,

With equal rights to his love,

And His purpose. 

I am many faces of womanhood and humanity 

So I am not just wife material.

Happy International Women's Day xxx.

Twenty!!!

Hello, My Bunnies,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Guess who turned 20 today?!!? ME!!!

I no longer fit in the teenager category but tbh nothing has changed much (at least not yet).

I pray that is is the year of greater discernment and wisdom.

I can't wait to see what 20 has in store for me. I am so grateful to God for his faithfulness all my life and I look forward to a closer relationship with him. I am not doing anything extravagant for the day (I want a chill 20) so I don't have much to tell you guys but here are pictures of me during my teen years. I have grown in so many ways and I am happy with the woman that God is moulding me into.

One thing I learnt from my teen years is that pain really does end and God has great plans awaiting us and his plans are always perfect.

Cheers to more years Bunnies.

How to spend Christmas SOLO!

Helloooooo from your Bunny,

Did you miss me??? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

SO this year I am spending Christmas by myself, no friends or family around, unfortunately. But that is not gonna get me down, I am not allowing it. Life can throw lemons at you but you make a bomb Christmas experience out of it!!!

So the first thing you have to do is get any feeling of abandonment out of your heart, remember that you have GOD. It is not easy but fill your time with the things that keep you happy or busy. For me, I am sleeping, studying, going to the gym, having spontaneous dance parties.

The second thing you do is "Make a list" just like Santa. You need to make a list of the things you'll need to celebrate your Christmas and buy them before Christmas. So I made a food list and bought them early. There are two reasons for this, one, the shops are closed on Christmas day and boxing day and two, you don't want to be running around on Christmas day. If you like a stress-free life like me then you'll also do the cooking in advance. So I made my stew on Saturday and made my rice on Sunday. On Christmas day, I only need to fry plantain and make the appetisers which I'll just pop in the oven.

Three, "Treat yourself". Go for the Christmas service and enjoy it. If you want to dress up then dress up. Get yourself a little Christmas present, I had mine delivered and even told myself "Thank you. You shouldn't have". I also made myself a three-course meal (I'll include my menu below). So when people are snapping about their food and the fun they're having, I will not be left out (I'll probably be snapping the most😂).

Menu

Appetiser: Duck Spring rolls and Prawn rolls

Main: Coconut rice, Jollof rice, Stewed Chicken, Coleslaw and Plantain

Dessert: Crème brûlée

Drinks: Malt, Shloer, Water

(I know you're thinking this is a lot of food and it is but I'm not trying to finish it in one day)

Four, "Message/ Call your family". If they are aware that you are alone for the holidays then they'd be worried about you. So call them so they know you're ok and to also celebrate with them.

Facetime your friends if you can. You guys can even eat together as you talk (if you want to).

PLAY MUSIC and DANCE

HAVE FUN!!!!!

Love Aunty Bunny who is partying solo xxx.

I have a short story out on Wattpad, here is the link: https://www.wattpad.com/490942967-support-when-we-were-kids

Update 2

Hello from your Chubby Bunny,

I have not been feeling too well for some time now so it has been hard coming up with something to blog about this week. Seeing as I promised to be consistent I still wanted to put up something for you guys.

Rest. In all that we do let us not forget to take some time to rest. Do that which calms you down and de-stresses you. For a while, I've neglected the things that calm me and give me joy and this is because I have spent time working and worrying.

I forgot that even God himself rested after creating the world, he told us not to worry about things but to pray and cast those worries unto him. So for the longest time, I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. Being in my final year had me thinking about my future and worrying that I was not doing the right things or living in my purpose. I was so focused on the future that I forgot about the 'now', I was not enjoying time with my friends or myself or enjoying the university experience. I started hiding and avoiding things that made me confront the world.

God had been calling out to me, asking that I see that he is with me and that I do not have to go through this year and life by myself but the voice of worry was so loud. My raging thoughts of insecurity and inadequacy were not allowing me to hear God and I couldn't pray. That made me feel so guilty and I found myself in a vicious circle that made me pull away from God even more.

By the grace of God, things are much better now. We had a Spirit-filled session with my youth fellowship and chains were broken. My friend was praying for me and I broke down (BTW I haven't been able to shed a tear for weeks despite feeling so empty and in need of a good cry). I finally let myself be still and let God's voice through and he gave me the assurance that I will be fine. I have felt such great peace since then.

We tell ourselves so often that God loves us and that he has got us but life can latch itself onto our backs and create doubts. One way to get through this is to surround yourself with the things that reaffirm and reassure you of God's love i.e. God's word, positive people, nature etc. I also made an active effort to go out of my house so I was not isolated, the days I just felt like avoiding my responsibilities and people I would ask (what is the blessing that the devil is trying so hard to take away from me?). If are going through something like this, you are not alone and things will get better. Just speak to God and find a confidant who you can talk to.

Anyhoo, I pray you all have a great weekend. I have a birthday to attend this weekend and I hope that comes with lots of bomb pictures.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

10 things you probably don't know about me

Hello from your Chubby Bunny,

This is a get to know me post. Before I begin to tell you more about myself, I'd like you guys to know that updates would start coming in bi-weekly. This is to allow me to alternate between the blog and my book on Wattpad. YES, I AM WRITING A BOOK. I might even write a stand-alone short story on there soon. So please follow me on Twitter so you are kept updated about everything and subscribe here so that you get notifications when I update.

On to getting to know me better.

So for the general stuff, I am 19 and my birthday is on the 21st of January. I am the youngest of two, I have an older brother and I am from Nigeria.

Where am I from?: Although I have mentioned that I am from Nigeria, in Nigeria, I am from a tribe in Southern Kaduna. My tribe is Attakar and we have our own language, traditional head and customs. So, no, I am not Hausa.

Talents: My talents include singing, acting and writing. I don't utilise them as much as I should but I am challenging myself. I have always been apart of school plays, I am apart of the worship team in my youth fellowship and I am writing a book on Wattpad (Yey!!!). I also have a wonderful ability to sleep at any time, anywhere and through anything.

Favourite food: I love Nigerian street food. I am totally obsessed, Nigerian street food isn't bite-sized, the portions are made to fill you up and that's probably another reason why I love it. It has everything from savoury to sweet things so your cravings are always met.

Type of music: I cannot choose a specific genre because my family and I are music geeks. I love Gospel, Reggae, Afrobeats (of course) from Fela to Wizkid. I love Beyonce, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Adele, Emily Sande, Yanni and so many others. If a song has mad beats or wonderful lyrics or both then it is for me.

Phobia: I am scared of Cockroaches, I cannot be in the same room as one. In fact, when I see cockroaches in my room I move to another room and sleep there. I also have a little apprehension of heights so I don't do roller-coasters but I love flying (contradictory I know).

Hobbies (spare time activities): I love reading and listing to music. I also love taking photographs when I am free and can take out my camera. Another hobby/talent of mine is procrastinating; I use one job to procrastinate another (eg. cleaning my room instead of writing my essay). If I really want to procrastinate then I just sleep and I know procrastination is bad so I am trying to work on it.

Favourite outfit: Even though I am a cool kid and I know how to dress my fine body. My favourite outfits are my PJs. I just love staying in my PJs. During the summer holidays (or most day TBH) when I have no plans, I just change from PJs to PJs. I wake up, shower and just slip on new PJs (my mum hates it but she's just happy that I am not sleeping the day away). I am very anti-social and tend to keep to myself so I love to be comfortable in my own space. If I had my way, I'd have more PJs than regular clothes but I have to attend classes and leave my house sometimes.

Favourite Memory: This would have to be summer trips and road trips my family and I took. It was very nice when we'd be together, shopping and sight-seeing. I love travelling and it was so nice doing it with my family.

Countries I have been to: I have been to Nigeria, the UK, USA, Gambia, Cote d'Ivoire, Canada. I have transited through Germany and Senegal. I 'd love to add more countries to this list.

Relationship Status: I am a single pringle. That is all I have to say about this question🤣

I hope you guys enjoyed this post. I'll see you in 2 weeks.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

That is your Personal Problem

Hello from your taking-back-my time Bunny,

These last few weeks of being back at uni, as pointed out to me, I have been on savage mode. Savage in terms of just being as explicitly truthful without being bothered by what people will think (don't worry I am not being rude about it).

In a past life, I used to be very truthful, blunt and upfront about how I felt or what I thought but a lot of people accused me of not being NICE. This prompted me to reconstruct myself to accommodate a 'nicer' persona with the fake smiles and added pretence. But at a conference that I attended the speaker pointed out how we have confused niceness for kindness. Kindness doesn't mean doing what someone would like all the time but doing what would be in their best interest regardless of whether it would win their good graces or not.

Humans don't always like to hear the truth, they prefer to hear what makes them feel good even when it is a lie. One thing about being the person that makes people feel good, is that most times you end up being the default emotional dumping ground for the people around you. I found and still find myself being the carrier of jokes to make others laugh so that they are able to, for the moment, forget that which troubles them. It wasn't like I didn't have my own issues weighing me down.  In as much as I love to listen and provide a helping hand or advice when I can; if the person is not willing to change their situation then I might as well be trying to make a wall speak. Being the type of person that gives her all when I call you a friend or family then I am left worrying and disturbing myself about other people's choices to not fix that which is obviously broken or get themselves out of a bad situation. The worst part is when you have the people who would blatantly tell you that they never told you to carry their problems for them (the sad truth is that they never did).

So this summer, being able to spend time by/with myself really put a lot of things into perspective. I learnt that the best thing I can give anyone is putting you in my prayers because there is nobody who is a greater problem solver than God himself. And in certain situations, I can offer physical help (money, my comfort, recommend a doctor etc.) where necessary. As a friend or family, you never have to even ask me to pray for you, I already put my friends and family in my prayers always and if you need me to pray with you or for something specific then I am here.

This phrase "That is your personal problem" is a self-care routine. It encompasses 'I cannot come and die' and 'I cannot come and kill myself' however it is specified to deal with other people's issues. This phrase is for the people who use you to constantly complain about things in their lives and do not seek any solution or change. It is for the people who know that source of their headaches and keep going back to it. It is for the people who don't appreciate the friends and family who try to get them out of a bad situation and would rather insult and snap at them for not minding their business. This phrase is for the people that expect you to solve their life problems while they keep messing it up. This phrase is for the people who want to be silly and want to drag you into that silliness. This phrase is a reminder that other people's lives (how they live it and the decisions that ultimately make) are really their personal problem.

The truth of the matter is that God is God and I am not. I cannot and will not take the place of God and be the answer for all your problems or the person you always rant to; not when you have a father that is ready to listen and help at any time. I have seen people get angry at friends because they didn't have answers for their problems or the answers that they wanted. God is the only one who has all the answers (it is not always what you want but it is what you need). For the people who behave like the aforementioned, you guys abuse the dynamics of friendship and I am here to tell you. Stop being so stuck in your ways. "Change what you cannot accept and accept what you can't change" that is the moral of this post. Your friends are not the ones to make the change, they can help with the process but the decision to change and the effort to do so comes from you.

I hope you have a lovely weekend (I am going to my first Baby Shower this weekend and I can't wait to tell you all about it).

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

Signs and wonders

Hello from your tired Bunny,

In writing this blog I had to consult my Bible to ensure that I have my facts right. This topic is so dear to my heart and I know that if I don't get what's on my mind out then it will consume me inside.

When the Bible talks about signs and wonders, it is associated with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They are the ones who equip us with the ability to perform signs and wonders for the glorification of God. They are the ones who also perform signs and wonders as an expression of who they are. I hope you guys are still with me and understand the point I am trying to establish.

i.e. SIGNS AND WONDERS ARE FOR GOD TO PERFORM BY HIMSELF OR THROUGH US.


Ok with that being established then, please tell me, children of God, why one uncle out of nowhere will be sending me so-called signs as a way to tell me he likes me😒 🙃.
ARE YOU A BILLBOARD?!?

Why can't you open your mouth and talk? Is so hard to just use words and actually communicate effectively? Really telling me that I should have seen the signs. Then you get angry that I did not see the signs 🙄

See I am not the type of person who easily sees signs and understands then. Furthermore, I hate to assume or infer things on somebody else's behalf. Even when I am working for a group, I won't just assume a random responsibility without express allocation of that job to me. Like Nigerians like to say "I will not carry somebody's headache".

That's how I'll be deceiving myself that a guy likes me and he will ask me if he ever said anything to me and then put my heart inside the dustbin...ermmm it a no from me. If as a guy, you like and you haven't said anything to me then that is a personal problem for you.

If we start out as friends or we know each other, I will not assume anything because you treat me nicer than the others, or you have a pet name for me or that you spend more time with me or talking to me. If you are feeling like you have invested yourself and your time (or even money) that again is your personal problem. You can carry whatever investment and start going home with it. Afterall, if you don't have the boldness to tell me how you feel, then I am not interested and you were obviously ready for the investment to go to waste.

I sat down for some years thinking a friend of mine liked me because he called me baby and seemed to make extra efforts when it came to my matter. Only for me to discover that 'Baby' is a community name 🤣. I crashed back to reality so quickly it was like they poured ice water on me. Beware of the 'Baby', 'Darling', 'Babe' guys and especially the ones that always send this emoji '😍 ' anyhow (these are community properties, it is not for you alone).

The worst one, the thing I absolutely hate is the "I used to like you" or "I used to have a crush on you" guys. Okkkkk has that paid my rent, tuition or given me a first class??? No! Then keep quiet. What do want me to do with the information? Should I beg you to like me again? Should I call my whole village to help me beg for your like/ crush back? Like, I am really not understanding. Or maybe I should weep that I missed out on you? (TBH most times I want to cry tears of joy that I dodged a bullet because if you cannot simply communicate the fact that you like me then there will be no communication in the relationship). Please leave me alone if you want to exhibit this kind of silliness.

Guy and girls, if you like somebody and you are serious, please just tell them.  Stop playing games, human beings are not playstations. God has given us the spirit of boldness and not of fear; use it! Or you'll miss out on amazing people that are supposed to be in your life. This boldness should also exist when you're making friends or creating networks. If you never take the first step then you'd always wonder what could have been and that is the worst feeling ever.

I hope we all had a wonderful weekend. I pray you all have a fulfilled week ahead even you 'signs and wonders' people. Don't forget to subscribe and comment. Do you agree with what I've said? Do you have your own 'sign and wonders' experience? Please share, I am here to listen.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

Summer of Culture

Hello from your Chubby Bunny,

This year I had the pleasure of exploring the UK and I am here to dazzle you with how cultured I am now. For the first time, I will be including exclusive photographs taken by moi and of moi (you guys should feel honoured...jokes).

I worked with the International Summer school at my university and I had a grand time. I got to meet a lot of students from all over the world, make many new friends and we got to go on trips to various parts of the UK (most places I had not been to myself so it was a treat for me too). These places included Cambridge, Oxford, Liverpool, Shrewsbury and Staffordshire (here are some pictures:)

(I almost bought myself a castle but it wasn't big enough...jokes)

I went to my first ballet this summer. WARNING: if you are going to a ballet always read the synopsis or you will be very lost during the performance. I spent the first half of the show say 'huh?' with my friends and I needed the almighty Google to come to my rescue during intermission. Once I had familiarised myself with the story, the second part was easier to watch and I even understood the whole thing.

I was able to go on a little vacation with my best friend and we went to Blackpool. It was absolutely necessary for the body and mind. I got to actually leave my house for once and every day that we were there I got to explore the city.

Blackpool was so lovely to visit we stayed in the sweetest hotel that was more or less a resort (pictures below). They had a pool, a spa, gym and even a golf course. Trust your Bunny to be at the spa as soon as she arrived 😁. I only hated the poor wifi we got in our room and the food needed some added flair (*coughs* seasoning) but aside from that, I'd give them a 7 out of 10.

On our first day out in Blackpool, we were met with over 50mph winds and we never expected it. The Blackpool tower eye was even shut down (that's how serious it was). And being the newbie tourist, I never know that these winds could rip my glasses off my face and have it travelling through the streets of Blackpool. 😑  I was not amused. I am basically blind without my glasses, I cannot see details and small things; just shapes and colours. So I was blindly chasing my glasses with the winds still pushing them further away from me. And my so-called best friend was paying zero attention while I was screaming for help (BTW I am accepting applications for her replacement) but I got my glasses and my day wasn't ruined and neither were my glasses.

I got to go to the circus that day and the dungeon but I found the circus scarier than the latter. People hanging in the air without some form of a safety net below them was not good for my heart. The next day we finally got to go to the tower eyes as the winds had reduced (so no runaway glasses). After we proceded to Pleasure Beach, which is an amusement park and I also got to see how my so-called BFF had little love for me. She expected me to go on rides that had you tumbling upside down and had you almost seeing the Heavenly host...erm that a big NO from me (more reasons to replace her).

(yes, I went on the fairly odd parents' ride, sue me😁)

So I had a beautiful summer and as customary, it came with a few silly pictures because life is too short to have only serious pictures

Being able to travel to these places has ignited the spark in me that fuels my love for travelling. I got to be a carefree Black Queen enjoying life. I have not been able to travel much since 2011 and I've missed it. Seeing a new city and experiencing a new culture is beautiful. So hopefully this doesn't end this year. I'd love to even take trips within my own home country Nigeria and get to experience how other cultures live, their history and of course their food (I'm not chubby for just sitting down🤣).

Uni has resumed and well, I'll miss all the free time I had to sleep but it is nice having something to wake up for. I hope you guys enjoyed this post and like the pictures. Feel free to comment and tell me about your summers. I pray to be able to tell you about many other trips in the future.

P.S. don't forget that you can send in questions that you'd like me to answer. Aunty Bunny is here to advise and share with you.

Love Aunty Bunny xxx.

This is a segment of Benny's Diaries.