Rejection

Hello, Bunnies,

Let's talk about Rejection!

Something that is going to happen if you decide to shoot your shot at life. Is it painful? Yes? Can you avoid it? Yes. But in doing so you miss out on the possible shots that would lead to life-altering outcomes. 

You’re gonna get rejected in some form and to some degree in life. A fact. It could be by a romantic interest, a school, a job or even family. You could be rejected in totality or partially (eg. when people say not now to a request of yours). Let’s be honest even God has ‘rejected’ some of the requests you’ve made of him because it’s wasn’t for you or it wasn’t the time to grant said request. 

We have to normalise rejection. We need to stop looking at it as if the person loses value solely by virtue of rejection. Rejection should teach you. Not make you afraid to experience the world.  

What I have learnt from my rejections:

• I need to build up a new skillset 
• I need to keep learning and developing on what I already have
• My skills are not suited here so look elsewhere 
• I need to be patient
• Just keep pushing until something hits
• I am still Benny ‘mother flipping’ Kanyip

I’m trying to keep the lens of positivity, even in the midst of rejection, very active. It’s so easy to feel less than or lacking. Because when you’re rejected all you hear is I don’t want you and that’s a hard pill to swallow. 

My rejection story

In a nutshell, a shot my shot and the shot didn't shot and I didn't die. (🤣)
To be honest, I did develop a nice friendship with my shotee and he was really helpful in school.
[Dear shotee is you're reading this, HI!]
________________________________________________________________________________

On the flip side, we need to balance out the belief that someone has lost you means they now have some form of lack in their life. Honey that’s a lie. A coping mechanism. Someone can reject you and go on to get someone/ something valuable too. I know we say this to help swallow the bitter pill but an additional bitter pill is that not everyone’s world comes crashing down because you’re not in it. 

Please, the fact that you’ve been rejected doesn’t justify you acting out. You can’t go bad-mouthing or hurting the person that rejected you. The solution/ reaction to rejection is moving the flip on. People reserve the right to choose who they want in their life and that choice should be respected. 

Romantically, if you’re rejected because the other party doesn’t find you rich enough or pretty enough or whatever enough then move on and find someone who thinks you’re enough. Let the other party find their own enough too. You never want to be with someone who thinks you’re not enough so don’t think this is the opportunity to wear them down or show them up, just leave them alone. Some people will reject you because they are not in a place for a relationship, whatever reason you're given (lies or truth) just keep living your life. Remember someone could flat out not want you and that is ok (for them and for you)

Career-wise, do find out why you were rejected because it presents an opportunity for self-development, which is never a bad idea. If you are being rejected for a discriminatory reason do take the appropriate actions because another person like you should not have to suffer bigotry. 

Rejection is ok, rejection is an inevitable part of living.

Obviously,  I didn't delve too deeply into it on my rejection story but you know the main gist. What are your rejection tales?

I pray you're able to take rejection in stride and keep shooting all necessary shots.

Love BANNK xxx.

River Boy

River boy. 

I want to dip into you, 

I gravitate to you,

Something pulls me in. 

A little bit of current events,

I’m swayed 

By your waves. 

Moving in my mind, us,

Side to side,

A dance of love,

Swirling, round

Together, synchronised. 

Sometimes it’s like

I’m floating, suspended, 

Caressed 

By the touch of the river. 

I could drown in you,

Easily. 

Be filled up,

Complete drenched. 

Our love would be interesting,

Fluid like the river in you. 

Strong, stable,

Like the mountains I come from. 

River Boy, too bad I don’t swim. 

New

To think that even the eraser

Doesn’t wipe everything away. 

Even the pencil,

Which it was made for, 

Cannot have all its mistakes taken away. 

But that doesn’t make the eraser a failure, 

Or the pencil, only prone to mistakes. 

For you see that the eraser clears a way

For the pencil to print over newer things. 

It is a good pairing just like us. 

An understanding that 

None of us is perfect,

But we can help each other create new things

From the heart to the brain, From the brain to the heart:

New memories await.

My Hair and Me

“Any woman with kinky textured hair - can wear it, love it and manage it. She only needs the right tools, inspiration and motivation.”
― Monica Millner

Hello Bunnies,

How are we?

So in recent times (the last three years) I've getting hella compliments on my hair. I'd literally be walking and people will stop me to tell me how nice my hair is, how they love my hair etc. I am not here to brag - my hair is really lovely though but even I didn't know this 5 years ago.

My hair hasn't always been great, in fact, my hair was a prayer point until four years ago. I am going to give you a timeline to understand what I and talking about

Age 0 - 1: I was born with nice hair, a full head of hair but like most black mums of our generation, my mum had it relaxed as soon as I was old enough so it was easier to manage (even in Africa there was subpar knowledge on how to take care of our own unprocessed hair, thank you colonisers).

Age 1 - 9: My hair got relaxed every month and even then it would get 'due' (need relaxing again) really quickly but I was young, I could still do my coloured braids and weave so I wasn't really bothered.

Age 10: I hated making my hair actually, my scalp is so sensitive so even my coloured braids and weaves were a b**** to make. And I went to a primary school that gave hairstyles to do every week (kuku peel my scalp). Well at this time I was very fed up with hair braiding and my mum was fed up with me so she said 'If you don't make your hair we're going to cut it' and immediately said 'let's do it'. So I cut my hair. I was even going to a secondary school where you cut your hair in September so I didn't care.

Age 10 - 11: I spent two terms in my first secondary school so my hair was getting cut every school holiday.

Still 11: I moved to new school in the final term of JSS 1/ Year 7 so my mum and I figured since this school isn't finicky about hairstyles let's start trying to grow your hair. Since I had a little growth from second term and the holiday we relaxed my hair so it looks longer. Let's just say LOL to the state of my hair in that period.

Age 12 - 15: This whole period is a big LOL for the state of my hair and the climax of my hair insecurities. So this period was a combination of relaxing, cutting, attempted braids which was all an epic fail. If my hair annoyed me that day, like I couldn't put a comb through it, I'd just go cut it (my mum was tired of me). My hair was so unhealthy and damaged and was not growing. And certain people in my school would make side comments about my hair that used to get to me. On one occasion I remember  making cornrows and one girl in my boarding house made a comment and I took it out that very day. My school let you do every and anything to your hair but you could not use any form of extensions (weaves or braids). So with me hating my hair in braid, I'd mostly attempt a ponytail when the hair was long enough, in my final year though I had a teacher that was constantly on my case about my hair and I could do anything with it because the only way it would stay in braids without unravelling is if I used extensions that are not allowed. SO I ended up getting a Rihanna cut (short at the back and long in from).

Age 16: I went to A-levels, now I could use extensions for braids and weaves which is what I did. I was also still relaxing my hair in my first year of A-levels. But during this particular holiday when I was home, I remember that I relaxed my hair and by the next week when I went to was my hair and get a weave done (at a different salon), the woman who was washing the hair was complaining that my hair was due for another relaxing. LOL madam I just relaxed this hair last week (she was in shock). Sha that is when I decided that the relaxer life was not for me, tbh I've always had issues with relaxers, I couldn't use adult relaxers cause they burnt me like hell and the children's one (which still burnt me) was not doing much for my hair. So I began transitioning.

Age 17 - 19: I was actually enjoying being natural. But my hair wasn't doing so great in the beginning of my journey. Part of reason being that I was learning on the job and my routine and products were not set down. But my friends that I met in uni started giving me tips, introducing me to better products and helping me make and manage my hair so I stared to see some progress. Then I also decided to go back to my roots and tweaked the routine my friends helped me establish. I started using a mixture of oils I made (the key ingredients being palm kernel oil) and my hair game changed. Palm Kernel oil is a family secret for greatness (of the skin and hair). We use it for the babies in our family but stop when they get older. So I figure if this was so effective why not give it a try and man it is good to go back to your roots.

Age 19: My hair was so luscious and full and the compliments were not even sought after any more cause they were everywhere. But I was also I bit frustrated with it cause I know what she could be and she wasn't at her full potential. So I did a big chop. My friends and mum wanted to chew me, everyone kept saying how it won't grown again and I'll learn my lesson (hahaha). But I assured them (with faith cause even I was apprehensive) that the hair will come back. I knew my hair now, I had my products and routine down. I actually know what I am doing with her now.

Age 20 - present: I cut my hair November 2017 by April 2018 I could no longer pull on my wig without braiding my hair down. WHAT!!! See God. By November 2018, my hair was back to the length it was when I cut it the year before (and that had originally taken me two years to grow). Now I have people stopping me to compliment my hair, people asking me for tips and product recommendations. Never knew this could be me. I because of the journey I know it's not because of genetics (that gave my a full head of hair and a mad good but confused curl pattern that I still love) but that wasn't the only player in achieving a healthy head of hair.

So that has been the journey with my hair. I hope you enjoyed it.

Love BANNK xxx.

Did we Finesse 20?!?!?

Hello, my Bunnies,

If you're reading this then your girl just turned TWENTY-ONE 🤯 

For the longest time, I was trying to figure out the marker that 21 came with. In the US I know that's when people can legally drink but I'm from Nigerian and was in the UK so that was 18 for me. 20 was the end of being considered a teen so what are you doing 21? But I recently found out that in Nigeria you could only get a Certificate of Occupancy (legal title to land) at 21, younger people have to have a guardian. So, guys, I can 'own' land (if you're a legal practitioner in Nigeria you'll understand why own is in quotation marks). TBH, I have been telling everyone that I want landed property so HINT HINT.

Usually, I like my birthdays to be very reflective of how far I've come, lessons I've learned and whatnot. Last year as you all might remember, I said I wanted a chill year (insert LOL here). I am going to be very honest with this reflection today. Twenty felt like a mess and was not easy at all. I think I had the most breakdowns at 20; mentally, emotionally and physically. The age started out well with my mum being around for the first birthday in four years, I usually have my birthday during school terms, by the time I moved to the UK I didn't have any birthdays with my family around. So it was really nice having her there.

I had spent the Christmas holiday doing coursework and an exam with no sleep and hella stressed. So fast forward a few weeks when the results came out and I was shattered. One of my coursework, the one I had poured everything I had, came back with an unimpressive result. This was my final year and every single grade mattered. This kick-started the first of may breakdowns. At this point too, my social life was not doing great and not everyone could understand that my plate was too full and I was overwhelmed and needed space to just regroup. Seeing as I was dealing with academics, health and extracurricular commitments, my timetable was full.

I made peace with the grade, I figured I needed to up my game on the next ones cause I still had a tonne waiting for me. So I got feedback from teachers, got advice on what to do in the next ones, committed it all to God and started my research and work early. Using the advice from the first essay, I, again, poured and gave my everything to the next coursework and again subpar result with equally subpar feedback was given back. I'm like Jesus do I have to give up my kidney. Whilst on the second wave of coursework, I find myself in the emergency room (through everything my health wasn't top notch but I'm being hit left and right in final year...WOW). Ended up having incisions made in my neck (fantastic sturvs). But you know life is not gonna stand still for me so we move. I'm popping pain meds given by my doctors and putting my concerns and worries in my back pocket because I didn't have time nor strength to be distracted. Onto the next coursework again (I had four waves of coursework and each wave consisted of two coursework). This one came with better results in one of them, the other was a headache but we move guys. Final wave was so close to exams so results came out with final exam grades so I just turned that one in and returned to revising for the exam modules I had.

Mans trying to revise and keep stress levels down at the same time (extreme sport). Anyhoo, one week plus to exams and I can't move my right hand (my dominant hand...like Nigerians would say 'why not kuku kill me'). I had just been told by Disability that new arrangements have been for my examinations, I could type instead of write and my hand can't move and I am in pain. So revising is not even my biggest worry anymore, I couldn't move and I couldn't sleep. My friends literally had to come to my place to spoonfeed me our work materials. Now deferring exams seemed like the most logical thing to do. However, your girl doesn't want to be set back a year. How you may be wondering. Well if I deferred, then exams would be in August (and I have no assurance that my health would have fixed up) and then Graduation would have been December. That would mean missing the Bar 1 batch that resumed in July (there's only one batch in Nigeria) and having to wait till 2019 to start law school. A big no in my book. So I pushed through, I remember telling God "You know I have no strength and my trust is wholly in you. I won't be the person writing that exam because my physical body can barely stay up but I have you and that's all I need". I wrote my two papers and now it was time to wait.

When the results came out, I was so happy because I was graduating with no setback. Graduation was assured. The overall qualification wasn't what I would have wanted but I had been through hell and YOUR GIRL IS GRADUATING. Funny enough my two exam papers had good grades, can you see God. But something came and put a hefty amount of sand, in fact, concrete, inside my garri. The results for the final wave of coursework came out and what was showing in the student portal and the result portal was not the same. EXCUSE ME BUT WHAT IS GOING ON? So I am contacting every and anybody I could but no one is replying me even my personal tutor (who is your first point of contact in uni). I haven't told my parents or friends about results cause I am not even sure if it is mine or not. Me that was content before, I am now panicking and worried and graduation is how many weeks away. Plis dears. I had to eventually message the Dean of my faculty. They 'corrected' the error and said degree classification was still the same thing. But the lack of urgency they had and the dismissive attitude toward their own failings sent me to my next bout of crying. I woke up crying and slept crying. Like how am I sure this is the only mistake and I can't even appeal it because, one, I have limited time in the country before law school and two I didn't fail so I have no standing for appealing. Sha I eventually had to tell my parents (especially my dad) and they were very understanding. My father literally said 'wipe your tears, have your bath and eat. You're graduating abi? You will go to law school and show them. We learn from this but focus on the next challenge'.

So I came home and went to law school. To the glory of God, Bar 1 went well. TBH when I think of my degree I feel anger but I sideline it because I can't be dwelling on the past. Another thing that's made 20 so stressful definitely has to be my health (there was always something new to cause pain and stress over. I was seeing my doctors more frequently than I would have liked). Plus the stress of law school, Nigeria and its climate aren't making matters easy but we what...WE MOVE. 20 wasn't all drabby, I graduated, my brother graduated, my dad was conferred with a fellowship, my cousin got married. Even though I was honestly broken hearted over everything, it would be ungrateful to not recognise the hand of God in everything. I was not the best of Jesus babies cause I was very unhappy, I was not in a good place and it felt like I was just going through the tunnel with no sight of the light at the end. I didn't have my chill 20 and I am not where I'd like to be. However, I will be highly cliche and hopeful that I am where I need to be and nothing is a waste in the grand scheme of things.

Did I #Finesse20? It might not feel like it but Benny Kanyip you definitely handled 20 and all its hurdles with impressive delicacy and skill. You're still alive and kicking and you are in the next phase of your life. The road was tough and painful but by the grace of God, we're here.

So here's is recommitting things to God, every day, every minute, every second and that is why this is going to be #Hallelujah21 because no matter what happens that is what we shall be saying from this day forth.

You guys should go on my Instagram and see the montage I made documenting #Finesse20. I am immensely grateful to my family and friends for making #Finesse20, when I watch the montage I can't help but feel so blessed for the people I have in my life. Like I have to give a special shoutout to my uni friends for making uni amazing; my GIFT family, Helen, Safiya, Debby, Kechi, Dami, Simi, Ana, Simran and I especially have to thank Sandra and Maria (these were the people spoonfeeding me my revision when I couldn't move) and Maria was doing hospital runs with me. Sorry, I can't mention everyone but I am immensely grateful for the people I met in uni. I am also so grateful for Law School friends; new and old ones who I reconnected with. These are honestly the people that make you see that God is real and that he loves you. God bless you all, I love you.

Happy Birthday to me. Cheers to a Hallelujah filled 21.

Lots of love from BANNK xxx.